You’ve got to be kidding me! Okay, let me brief you on this interesting week concerning the Master Cleanse.
So, a friend of mine told me she would be starting the Master Cleanse. She explained what it was, the process and how it would effect (or is it affect?) your body. I was super hype and immediately went in to research. After comparing the ingredients vs the green in my pocket, I decided that I would do an absolute detox; water only a.k.a free.
Monday: I wake up for work and have my mind set on water water water water. My aunt asked me to stay behind and help her with some light cleaning. Cool, no big deal. After we get all the trash onto the porch she calls Pastor James to see if he can bring his truck over to remove it. He comes over and in the midst of everything tells me that he will pay for my lunch twice this week. WHAT A BLESSING! .. What a curse – – I’M NOT EATING. I said wow, thanks. (With no intent to ever tell him what day, because I am DETOXING!) Once I actually get to work, he brings me a receipt from a local restaurant telling me that my lunch is paid for and I just need to show my receipt. o.O What? I said I wasn’t eating sir! Okay, food is paid for, I have to eat. Boy were those chicken strips and mac & cheese something like amazing! I’m definitely starting this detox on Tuesday, FOR SURE!
Tuesday: I wake up for work and again, my mind is set on this awesome absolute detox. Without thinking, I find myself putting two pieces of wheat bread in the toaster. Next thing I know, I’m eating peanut butter on toast and a cup of the best OJ I’ve ever experienced. WHAT THE WHAT?! Dang. Messed that up. Well no, I can still detox, it’s kind of like the last meal.. Okay, from the moment I get to work until 7 days from now, it’s me and water. Yeah! Fast forward to lunch. My cousin Nazya calls me from the back ‘hey Angel, just wanted you to know that Pastor James gave me your receipt for lunch today.’ o.O Oh okay, thanks. Let me know when you’re going and I’ll just tell you what I want and you can pick it up. Okay…. well I need to mentally prepare for starting this body detox on Wednesday. No biggie really. Wednesday, I’m coming for you 🙂
Wednesday: Wake up for work and finally come out of denial. The truth is the water only detox is not going to work. Toya, tell me everything you’re doing for the Master Cleanse. Toya, who at this point is on her 3 day, tells me all the things she does and I, with excitement, am on board! Okay, awesome! As soon as we get off I am going to get everything I need. The end of the work day comes and off to Publix! I get all ingredients and I drop about $25.00 (that I didn’t have) on what I thought would be enough for 10 days. I get home and I begin with the Smooth Move laxative tea that evening. *Can’t you feel the excitement of me FINALLY starting?! Me too! Thursday, you better get ready!
Thursday: So, morning comes quick.. and it’s 7:41am!!! Holy moly! Work starts at 8am, further more, I was told that with the Salt Water Flush, I’d need about 2 hours to myself because I’d become very acquainted with the bathroom.. Crap! (no pun-intended). Hours go by and it’s about 10am, and Toya shows up to work. Soooo how’s it going she asks! I knew that really meant did you start the Master Cleanse today! I said okay.. listen! I took the tea last night, definitely set up waking up and officially starting, but when I overslept I knew I could not take the SWF right before going to work. I did, take the tea last night, but I’m not tapping the toilet like I assumed (or the tea) said I’d be. She laughed and said so when you starting?! LOL! I thought.. since I wasn’t able to do the SWF and I mean.. that is a part of the cleanse, so I think it’s best to complete it as directed to do so.. Meat and potoatoes? I had a pancake for lunch and once returning back to the church, (that’s where I work) I blew any and every spirit out of the bathroom! That tea definitely does work. I will definitely start on Friday! Friday, is perfect. We’re off on Fridays and yeah.. just perfect! I drank my Smooth Move tea Thursday night, and couldn’t wait to wake up Friday morning!
Friday: 4:30am I jump out of bed like a soldier in the army of the Lord! The only thing missing was some camo and my boots! I run, and I do mean RUN to the bathroom and it goes DOWN! While all this is happening my mouth begins to water. Now, I’m not sure about you.. but when my mouth starts ‘watering’ vomit it closely behind.. I thought what the ham sandwich? I reach for the trash can, just in case, and LITERALLY before I could open the lid, it’s covered! And of course from the sight and the taste in my mouth, I start gagging and it keeps coming. OMG. What is going on?! I clean for about an hour (too long), brush my teeth and roll in the bed and close my eyes. A few hours later I wake up to an upset stomach and eating crackers most of the day. This has GOT to be the enemy! Why am I not able to start this dang thing!
Needless to say, it is now Friday night and I’m sitting in my bed, watching the Wayans Brothers, with a cup of 7 Up just inches away. So.. when will I start the Master Cleanse? I suppose when an if God tells me to. I guess you can’t win them all.
BTW – I lost -2lbs through all of this.. I guess it wasn’t all bad 🙂
P.S – Click HERE to follow my friend’s blog; someone who is actually doing the Master Cleanse, and blogging her way through it 🙂